rubberband man

A man who can only perform sexually with a tight rubber band triple-wrapped round his cock to restrict blood-flow, whilst fantasising that he's a smurf shagging smurfette.

Rubberband man theme tune:

Gonna find me a rubber band,
Gonna wrap it round my chonson,
Gonna find that lil' smurfette,
And may her suck my big blue cock tonight!

Oh yeah! That's what I'm gonna do,
Cos I'm a crazy smurf with a big blue cock tonight!
That's what I am!
I'm not some weirdo with a rubber band wrapped round my cock, no!
I'm a friggin smurf!
Why won't anyone believe me?

62👍 432👎

cock diesel

The black, sweet-tasting, ejaculatory elixir which many African cultures believe a man emits if he correctly enunciates the arcane word 'Dukdukhjjuutybuqu' upon orgasm.

"I'm afraid your wife will die within 5 hours."
"Nah it's alright doc, i'll just pump her full of cock diesel and she'll be right as rain."

33👍 176👎

pansexual

One who swears that he/she is singularly and uncontrollably aroused by pans.

Sex shop owner: "We got whips, hand-cuffs, feathers, chains, dildos, butt-plugs, cock-rings, joy-buzzers, batons, tasers, axes, machetes, M-16s, SAMs, anthrax-"
Pansexual: "Got any pans?"

247👍 407👎

metal head

A metallic replacement glans for a penis that has rotted away due to such STDs as clamhydaherpacrabs(sic.) and gonosyphillaids.

Jake: "I was thinking the other day: all my best friends are metal heads,"
Storm: "Well you do look a lot like Ian McKellen,"
Jake: "Why should that have anything to do with it?"
Storm: "This is why me and you never get down and dirty Jake - you're such a dumbass,"

25👍 73👎

take heat

To submit oneself to a ravaging by a randy canine in the hope that it will not then hump the leg of someone coming to visit you.

Hurry Rover! The Priest's popping round at half past!

4👍 16👎

uber hottie

The kind of girl you'd bite your own hand off for. And then shit out your hand and eat it again, and it's all covered in shit this time. And then you'd stick your other hand up your bum to try and fish out the first hand but then the second hand gets stuck and when you try and yank it out it rips off as well and now you've got no hands cos they're both stuck in your ass but you don't care cos she's such an uber hottie!

That really fit girl off that thing that I like.

23👍 35👎

la leche

Milk in Spanish. Man-milk in English.

Ooh baby, I'm about to squirt. Hang on, here it comes, wait, oh that's good..wait, wait for la leche baby...here it is...OH YEEAH! Wooh. You like the leche don't you baby!...Got la leche?? You do baby!! Haha! Yeah all in your mouth. Wow you're so good to me. Oh yeah that was good...oh yeah...can I try a bit?

19👍 43👎