jeebus

A name used on progressive blogs to deride intolerant religious rightwingers ("fundies") who use the Christian faith as a flag and front for every one of their nastiest motivations, statements and actions, hiding hate behind professed faith. Basically "jeebus" is a code word for lefties permitting them to mock self-annointed religious frothing biters / ultraconservatives of the social or financial right who advocate selfishness and cruelty (via nutty religious errors) without actually deriding Jesus or Christianity itself which they don't have a problem with. Put alternatively, a person who follows the New Testament loves Jesus; a person who can't wait to take away sick benefits from a dying lesbian because God Hates Fags loves Jeebus. Get the diff?

"Don't you understand? Tax cuts for the rich are good and welfare for sick mothers is immoral! What kind of atheistic radical are you to think otherwise?"
"Jeebus told you to say that, didn't he?"

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Log Cabin Republicans

A group of homosexual Americans:
1. who seek to advance the rights of gays in the USA by becoming members of and working for the victory of a political party devoted in large measure to ending all rights for homosexual Americans;
2. devoted to self-destructive irony.

"Hello! I'm Milt, and I'm here for the Republican Victory Party!"
"Great Milt! Welcome! I've got you registered right here! What GOP group was that again?"
"Log Cabin Republicans!"
"Fantastic, Milt! Why don't you go with those two officers there and they'll escort you off the premises! By the way, if you have natural, adopted or foster kids, please write down their names on this card so that Social Services can take them."
"WHAT?!?"
"Milt, it's not my damned fault if you're too stupid to read the policy papers and legislation. NEXT!"

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PFOL

"Please Fuck Off Letter" - (pronounced "pee-fall") - A very politely worded rejection letter. It can be used in any context where one's application (for employment, to be published, etc.) is rejected. Such letters can also, through their precise politeness or use of wording, imply not only that you are rejected, but that you deserve to be rejected because you do not, in their opinion, measure up to their self-perceived standards.

Q: "Did the firm of Booth, Cream & Crippen accept your application to be a summer student?"
A: "Nah, I just got the PFOL today."

issues

Type One Issue: That component of a your character that is screwed up due to a previous relationship.
Type Two Issue: That component of a your character which will be screwed up due to your current relationship.
Type Three Issue: What your current boyfriend or girlfriend has when your Type One Issue gets in the way of their attempts to give you a Type Two Issue.

Example: Any furious domestic argument; see your own life for examples. You probably have issues about it.

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issues

Euphemism used in human dynamics, including but not limited to romances, workplaces and general social discourse.
It is used by X, who is miffed at Y’s refusal to be manipulated by X or act in a way that X wishes them to. X is socially precluded from saying, “Damn! Y won’t bend to my will, which is the only thing that matters! Me! ME! MEEEEEE!!!!! Curses!”, and so, rather, quietly responds with the back of the verbal hand, slyly denigrating Y as having “issues”. The “issue”, of course, is that Y has enough character or determination not to dance like a monkey to X’s tune. The term is non-gender specific, as both men and women are likely to use it in some form or another.

Example 1: John Doe has tried to inveigle Jane Moe into bed. She says no. Thwarted, John Doe sneers that, “well, you know, Jane Moe has Issues regarding strong men”, pejoratively implying lesbian tendencies . Reality: John Doe is an irritating, self-satisfied blowhard and well worth avoiding.

Example 2: Jane Fictional has tried to alter the conduct of her boyfriend, John Examplefellow. He refuses to make changes that are, in her view, necessary to improve the relationship; he has reasons for doing so, based on his experience(s) and/or view(s), and presents them. Jane will complain to her friends that John “can’t move forward because he has Issues”. Reality: she is nettled that she is unable to “fix the rules” of the relationship, and ascribes this not to controlling tendencies on her part but to nonexistent problems on his.

Translation Assistance. When one hears the phrase “(s)he has issues…”, mentally edit the phrase to read “(s)he won’t do what I want” and see if that more accurately describes the real outlook of the speaker. If it does, you have identified and isolated the Euphemism, and can run for shelter at your best speed.

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paradox cramp

In human males, the intellectual or emotional stabbing pain created by the seemingly irreconcilable contradictions in human female statements, behaviour, responses or expectations. Paradox cramps are usually but not exclusively experienced in heterosexual romantic relationship interdynamics.

Human Female: “Of course I wanted to talk to you. That’s why you shouldn’t have called me.” or “Yes, I know I told you to do it, and you did it right away. That’s why I am angry at you.”
Human male: “Understood. Apropos of nothing at all, where do you keep your Tylenol 3s / bourbon?”
Scientist: "Thus we see a paradox cramp, inducing standard response behaviour."

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Smurphy's Law

A child-centred variant of Murphy's Law. Smurphy's Law posits that no plan or act can unfold properly in the presence of children. (Note: first defined by the Canadian artist Paul Walde.) Also called Smurfy's Law.

Example 1: A small, toilet-trained child will only wet themselves when it is imperative to get out the door Right Away.

Example 2: "We have planned this weekend away for one year, and now little Paolo is sick." "But Paolo never gets sick!" "He did this time. Whattareyagonnado? It's Smurphy's Law."

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